June 21, 2016
Day 135
Hello!
I am not quite sure what to make of this...
My usual wine drinking occurred in the evenings. My husband would go to bed and I would sit down and watch TV and drink wine (in addition to the wine I had already drank!). OR, I would talk on the phone to my drinking friend.
Last night, I watched episode 4 of the new season of "Orange is the New Black." It ended at 10:50. And, as binge watching goes, I cued up episode 5...after telling myself I really should go to bed because I had to get up early to get my daughter to school (we are still in session here until Thursday). But, as usual, like when I was drinking, I didn't listen to that voice. I started to watch episode 5. Part of the way into it, at around 11:10pm. I went in the fridge and took an AF beer and opened it. And of course drank it. This was the same kind of thing I did with wine. It didn't matter how late it was or what I had to do the next morning, if I wanted it, I'd have it.
So now I am sitting here thinking if this was a bad thing? It doesn't feel right. It reminds me exactly of what I did when I was drinking, except I replaced the alcoholic drink with a non alcoholic drink. Why an AF beer? Why didn't I have a glass of seltzer, or make a cup of tea? It didn't even cross my mind!
Is watching TV at night a trigger for me? I have watched it in the last 135 days and don't think that I have done this before. Maybe it's a one out? Maybe "Orange is the New Black" makes me want to drink? (I did drink through the past 3 seasons!) Please tell me it's not a trigger!!!
I didn't even think about wine when I grabbed that AF beer. It's just an old habit...and it weirds me out that I did it. Old habits die hard! What really scares me is that I didn't recognize my old pattern until after I had finished that AF beer...then it hit me! I haven't changed nearly as much as I thought I have.
In the end, does it really matter? Isn't the main thing that I didn't drink? (Like I said, it didn't even cross my mind to drink!) I am not sure! But, it must not be good, because I have a bad feeling in my gut about it and you always have to go with your gut!!!
Thinking I'll watch OITNB during the day!!
Love,
Sober at 53
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Day 129 - I am so mean!!!
June 15, 2016
Day 129
Hello!
A post by ASobermiracle really got me thinking! ASobermiracle is so very kind!!! Today she sent flowers, along with a compassionate note, to a woman who was arrested for a DUI fatality. In the past, she took her money she didn't spend on alcohol and purchased healthy snacks and brought them to a women and children's shelter.
Let me tell you....since I have stopped drinking, I have turned into a total bitch!! I have taken the liberty to say whatever is on my mind! For example, this weekend I was at my state's Special Olympic games. All of the athletes had special needs. All of the spectators were there to support someone with special needs...myself being one of them. Special needs parenting provides a kinship with other special needs parents. It's a community where you don't ever have to feel embarrassed for something your child does, you don't judge or receive judgement, and you support one another 100%. It's like one giant family....for me anyway! It's a very different dichotomy than it was with my typical sons. Anyhow, I digress. My daughter competes in the swimming. You go to the spectator area when it is your child's turn to swim. The mom next to me, whom I don't know, kept swinging her pony tail like it was a horse's tail! It kept whacking me in the face. At one point she saw me brush it away. She apologized, I said no problem, and then she continued to do it. When space allowed, I moved down. Guess what? So did she. So what blurted out of my mouth without any thought was "damn, I moved down so you would stop hitting me in the face with your pony tail!" She got all huffy, and changed seats with someone else. I really owed her an apology, but I am not that big a person! Plus, I was mortified that the words just flowed right out of my mouth!!
I also seem to have a bit of road rage! I am flipping off anyone who disses me on the road. I also will flash my high beams if the person in front of me is driving below the speed limit. The "F" bomb has also been used a gazillion times!
I was in the supermarket last week and the cashier had to wait for the manager to correct something on her register. The manager was speaking to an elderly woman right near us. I was in a hurry. I took it upon myself to interrupt their conversation and say that the cashier needed him and it looked like their conversation was going to go on for awhile! The elderly lady apologized to me (I felt awful) and the manager looked at me and shook his head (rightfully so!). I was embarrassed to say the least! I went back to that supermarket a few days later to apologize but couldn't find that manager!
I don't even dare write what I say to my family!!! Yikes!
I wrote a blog post at one point that suggested I had no filter when I was drinking and that I probably said and did things that were unkind. I also wrote a post regarding a book I read "The Four Agreements" in which one of the agreements is "Be impeccable with your word." I don't dare go back and read it because I probably spewed how the agreements gave me glorious revelations and I now live my life by them!! That didn't last long!! I think I'm worse than I was when I was drinking!
Was my temper always this short? Was I always so rude? I don't think I was...but I think I am now! I think that on some level I feel that I can do whatever I want because I am doing this really hard thing...sobriety! I think I should get a pass for my behaviors. Hah! wouldn't that be nice? But, you know what? I really have to think before I speak. I really have to stop saying what I am thinking! Who the hell am I to be so brazen and rude? Since I don't want you all to think that I am always mean, I am the type of person that gives a lot of compliments too! If you walk by me and I like your hairdo, I will tell you! If I like your shoes I will tell you! I smile at people all of the time! OMG! I am Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde!!!
So a big shoutout to Asobermiracle for making me think long and hard about my behaviors! You have inspired me to be a kinder person!
If you see someone on the road flipping you the bird...it's more than likely me! Sorry!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 129
Hello!
A post by ASobermiracle really got me thinking! ASobermiracle is so very kind!!! Today she sent flowers, along with a compassionate note, to a woman who was arrested for a DUI fatality. In the past, she took her money she didn't spend on alcohol and purchased healthy snacks and brought them to a women and children's shelter.
Let me tell you....since I have stopped drinking, I have turned into a total bitch!! I have taken the liberty to say whatever is on my mind! For example, this weekend I was at my state's Special Olympic games. All of the athletes had special needs. All of the spectators were there to support someone with special needs...myself being one of them. Special needs parenting provides a kinship with other special needs parents. It's a community where you don't ever have to feel embarrassed for something your child does, you don't judge or receive judgement, and you support one another 100%. It's like one giant family....for me anyway! It's a very different dichotomy than it was with my typical sons. Anyhow, I digress. My daughter competes in the swimming. You go to the spectator area when it is your child's turn to swim. The mom next to me, whom I don't know, kept swinging her pony tail like it was a horse's tail! It kept whacking me in the face. At one point she saw me brush it away. She apologized, I said no problem, and then she continued to do it. When space allowed, I moved down. Guess what? So did she. So what blurted out of my mouth without any thought was "damn, I moved down so you would stop hitting me in the face with your pony tail!" She got all huffy, and changed seats with someone else. I really owed her an apology, but I am not that big a person! Plus, I was mortified that the words just flowed right out of my mouth!!
I also seem to have a bit of road rage! I am flipping off anyone who disses me on the road. I also will flash my high beams if the person in front of me is driving below the speed limit. The "F" bomb has also been used a gazillion times!
I was in the supermarket last week and the cashier had to wait for the manager to correct something on her register. The manager was speaking to an elderly woman right near us. I was in a hurry. I took it upon myself to interrupt their conversation and say that the cashier needed him and it looked like their conversation was going to go on for awhile! The elderly lady apologized to me (I felt awful) and the manager looked at me and shook his head (rightfully so!). I was embarrassed to say the least! I went back to that supermarket a few days later to apologize but couldn't find that manager!
I don't even dare write what I say to my family!!! Yikes!
I wrote a blog post at one point that suggested I had no filter when I was drinking and that I probably said and did things that were unkind. I also wrote a post regarding a book I read "The Four Agreements" in which one of the agreements is "Be impeccable with your word." I don't dare go back and read it because I probably spewed how the agreements gave me glorious revelations and I now live my life by them!! That didn't last long!! I think I'm worse than I was when I was drinking!
Was my temper always this short? Was I always so rude? I don't think I was...but I think I am now! I think that on some level I feel that I can do whatever I want because I am doing this really hard thing...sobriety! I think I should get a pass for my behaviors. Hah! wouldn't that be nice? But, you know what? I really have to think before I speak. I really have to stop saying what I am thinking! Who the hell am I to be so brazen and rude? Since I don't want you all to think that I am always mean, I am the type of person that gives a lot of compliments too! If you walk by me and I like your hairdo, I will tell you! If I like your shoes I will tell you! I smile at people all of the time! OMG! I am Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde!!!
So a big shoutout to Asobermiracle for making me think long and hard about my behaviors! You have inspired me to be a kinder person!
If you see someone on the road flipping you the bird...it's more than likely me! Sorry!
Love,
Sober at 53
Monday, June 13, 2016
Day 127 - The hardest day ever!!!
June 13, 2016
I've been remiss from the blogosphere because I am still trying to figure out why I am doing this sobriety thing! I'm trying to find a new reason, but haven't found one yet. Since I have seen no physical changes I am struggling with my motives. I still haven't drank but I find myself constantly saying "hmmm....maybe I'll drink today." But, I haven't done it. I really don't know what is stopping me. Could it be that I am a strong person? hahaha! But today, I might've found a reason to keep going.
Day 127
Hello!
I've been remiss from the blogosphere because I am still trying to figure out why I am doing this sobriety thing! I'm trying to find a new reason, but haven't found one yet. Since I have seen no physical changes I am struggling with my motives. I still haven't drank but I find myself constantly saying "hmmm....maybe I'll drink today." But, I haven't done it. I really don't know what is stopping me. Could it be that I am a strong person? hahaha! But today, I might've found a reason to keep going.
In the 127 days since I've quit drinking, today was by far the most difficult day that I have had. Something happened that greatly upset me. So much so, that I spent the day with a terrible stomach ache. The first thing I wanted to do was buy a pack of cigarettes. My next thought was, how am I going to get through this without drinking? It was 10:00 in the morning. I was never a morning or afternoon drinker. I couldn't imagine how I would or could get through my day without a vice! I was on the phone with a girlfriend and I told her that I wanted to smoke...she said "that's not going to help anything." You know what? She was right. I transferred that sentiment over to drinking. It was not going to help anything.
It certainly made me realize that when the going gets tough, Sober at 53 gets drinking! And...the day was really really tough. I decided to let myself feel my feelings (anxiety, sadness, fear). I talked to Mr. Soberat53 a gazillion times today to help get me through it! I bet he didn't get a lick of work done today! My book club had plans to go to the movies tonight to see a book we had read "Me Before You" so I knew that I could get through my night. (Highly recommend the movie to anyone who has read the book!) I am not sure that if I didn't have plans that I wouldn't have drank. That scares me that I didn't know.
While this did not get rid of my stomach ache (and I still have it at 11:00 at night as I type this) I didn't smoke or drink! I did eat popcorn with extra butter and chocolate covered pretzels when I got home! I treated myself to an AF beer as well. (That will surely help my stomach ache! hahaha)
So now it's 11:00 pm. My stomach still hurts. But, I feel much better. While the issues that made me super upset are still there and are not going away anytime soon, I am happy that I am dealing with my emotions. I am so glad I didn't drink. If I did, I know it would've made everything worse! There was no way in hell that if I were drinking that I could've started to really deal with the issues that confront me. I needed to be clear headed. I don't know what would've happened if I wasn't. That is how big this issue is. Maybe this is the reason that I need to keep me motivated on the sobriety path. Maybe how I deal with this is my "reward" for not drinking. It is not physical, but maybe I need to change that thought process.
And one thought....I have honestly not been dealing with any cravings in awhile. I've been lucky. It's been 127 days. But whoa....out of left field came this HUGE problem and all I wanted was my wine. So don't get complacent. You never know what's going to be thrown your way! And, you want to be clear headed to deal with it!!
Love,
Sober at 53
And one thought....I have honestly not been dealing with any cravings in awhile. I've been lucky. It's been 127 days. But whoa....out of left field came this HUGE problem and all I wanted was my wine. So don't get complacent. You never know what's going to be thrown your way! And, you want to be clear headed to deal with it!!
Love,
Sober at 53
Friday, June 3, 2016
Day 117 - Why am I doing this?????
June 3, 2016
Day 117
Hello!
I do not know why I am quitting anymore!! I thought so many things would change for me. And guess what? Im not seeing those changes I want and need to see!!
Today, I went for my breast cancer check up my cancer center in NYC. I am an 11 year breast cancer survivor. I had a bunch of tests today and they all came back great, for which I am very grateful. BUT, the test that I was really excited to see were the blood work for the liver panel numbers!
After my day long appointments, my husband and I went out to dinner. We went to a Basque restaurant in the city. The place was really cool. My sweet husband talked to the bartender and had him make me a delicious mocktail. Muddled cucumber and mint with rhubarb syrup. It was delicious. I was so happy to be there. While we were waiting for our meal, I looked up my blood test results. Guess what? THEY WERE EXACTLY THE SAME AS WHEN I WAS DRINKING!!!!!! I was so pissed. I was POSITIVE that they would be even better. They have always been great...but I wanted greater!
I also had a bone density test today and they take your height and weight. I AM EXACTLY THE SAME WEIGHT AS WHEN I WAS DRINKING!!!!! I was so pissed!
I was so disappointed that I almost ditched that delicious mocktail for a glass, or bottle, of Spanish red wine! It took nearly everything I had not to. In the end, it was Mr. Soberat53 that convinced me not to (all the while sipping his red wine!). He said I have come so far and that my drinking had been escalating. He reminded me of how good I feel in the mornings. He told me that he thinks I look better (I am going to believe him). He reminded me of how my head is much clearer.
I had been so proud of myself today. I finally, after 11 years, got to check the "NO" box on the medical update forms to the question "Do you drink alcohol." I even took a picture of my checked NO box!!! (nobody saw me do that....I hope!) After the appointments I came across this beautiful church and went in and actually cried as I thanked God for giving me the strength to quit and even lit a candle!
But tonight, I am really questioning if this is all worth it! Nothing physically has changed. Those are the things that were the impetus for me quitting drinking. All of that hard work for what???
I know quitting is the right thing to be doing but I really don't know why anymore. I am not going to go back to drinking today, but I sure have lost my mojo for quitting. Since I am a secret quitter, I could go right back and nobody would be the wiser. It's funny how in one day you can be so high, and then, go so low! And tomorrow I have a girls dinner out in NYC. It was going to be a tough one for me with not drinking BEFORE I started questioning myself tonight! Ugh!
So now I have to come up with other big reasons that will enable me to continue on this sobriety journey.
Just ranting again...I still really can't believe my liver function numbers weren't lower!! They were right in the middle of the range, where they have been for years! How could they not be lower after giving up over 117 bottles of wine and then some!!! I just don't get it! And all of those calories in those 117+ bottles of wine?? I should be emaciated....trying to put on weight for goodness sakes!
Arghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
Ok..if you got this far, thank you for once again attending Soberat53's Pity Party!
With GREAT FRUSTRATION,
Sober at 53
Day 117
Hello!
I do not know why I am quitting anymore!! I thought so many things would change for me. And guess what? Im not seeing those changes I want and need to see!!
Today, I went for my breast cancer check up my cancer center in NYC. I am an 11 year breast cancer survivor. I had a bunch of tests today and they all came back great, for which I am very grateful. BUT, the test that I was really excited to see were the blood work for the liver panel numbers!
After my day long appointments, my husband and I went out to dinner. We went to a Basque restaurant in the city. The place was really cool. My sweet husband talked to the bartender and had him make me a delicious mocktail. Muddled cucumber and mint with rhubarb syrup. It was delicious. I was so happy to be there. While we were waiting for our meal, I looked up my blood test results. Guess what? THEY WERE EXACTLY THE SAME AS WHEN I WAS DRINKING!!!!!! I was so pissed. I was POSITIVE that they would be even better. They have always been great...but I wanted greater!
I also had a bone density test today and they take your height and weight. I AM EXACTLY THE SAME WEIGHT AS WHEN I WAS DRINKING!!!!! I was so pissed!
I was so disappointed that I almost ditched that delicious mocktail for a glass, or bottle, of Spanish red wine! It took nearly everything I had not to. In the end, it was Mr. Soberat53 that convinced me not to (all the while sipping his red wine!). He said I have come so far and that my drinking had been escalating. He reminded me of how good I feel in the mornings. He told me that he thinks I look better (I am going to believe him). He reminded me of how my head is much clearer.
I had been so proud of myself today. I finally, after 11 years, got to check the "NO" box on the medical update forms to the question "Do you drink alcohol." I even took a picture of my checked NO box!!! (nobody saw me do that....I hope!) After the appointments I came across this beautiful church and went in and actually cried as I thanked God for giving me the strength to quit and even lit a candle!
But tonight, I am really questioning if this is all worth it! Nothing physically has changed. Those are the things that were the impetus for me quitting drinking. All of that hard work for what???
I know quitting is the right thing to be doing but I really don't know why anymore. I am not going to go back to drinking today, but I sure have lost my mojo for quitting. Since I am a secret quitter, I could go right back and nobody would be the wiser. It's funny how in one day you can be so high, and then, go so low! And tomorrow I have a girls dinner out in NYC. It was going to be a tough one for me with not drinking BEFORE I started questioning myself tonight! Ugh!
So now I have to come up with other big reasons that will enable me to continue on this sobriety journey.
Just ranting again...I still really can't believe my liver function numbers weren't lower!! They were right in the middle of the range, where they have been for years! How could they not be lower after giving up over 117 bottles of wine and then some!!! I just don't get it! And all of those calories in those 117+ bottles of wine?? I should be emaciated....trying to put on weight for goodness sakes!
Arghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
Ok..if you got this far, thank you for once again attending Soberat53's Pity Party!
With GREAT FRUSTRATION,
Sober at 53
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
Day 115 - Blown off!!
June 1, 2015
Day 115
Hello!
Well, it seems like I've been totally blown off by one of my best friends. My friend M. was my drinking buddy. Besides Mr. Soberat53, she is the ONLY person in the world who knew how much I drank. She drank just like me. For years, we were drinking buddies, via phone..every night We told each other our darkest secrets while we were drinking (of course we would...alcohol enables loose lips!). Through our drinking, we also became very close outside of our drinking. We shared a lot of the same interests. We are both intense exercisers. We both have children with special needs. We both LOVED our wine! We really spent hours on the phone late into the night when our husbands and kids were asleep. It was like we were having a party over the phone. And we live close so sometimes she would sneak over here after work for some wine before she went home.
We have tried quitting together a gazillion times. Tried supporting each other through it. Even went to an AA meeting together. Of course we never made it. Years of this drinking and talking about quitting went on.
Then something happened...I quit. She didn't.
In the beginning, she was very proud of me. I gave her inspiration. She kept telling me I was her hero. I kept telling her to be her own hero.
She told me that she was jealous that I quit. She wants to so badly, but it just isn't happening for her.
She does go to a therapist that specializes in alcohol addiction. I mentioned in a previous post that she is working on why she drinks, so that in figuring that out and ultimately getting rid of those issues, she won't want to drink because there will be no reason to. A different approach.
She told me that she didn't want to call me anymore because she didn't want to trigger me. I told her that nobody could make me drink except for me. So, she kept calling...and yes, she was drunk,
I let her know, in no uncertain terms, how much I love and need her and I couldn't get through this without her. Only she could understand. She kept calling...and yes, she was drunk.
I do not judge her at all. I have walked in her shoes. Nor do I try to get her to quit. I listen when she talks about wanting to quit. I listen when she talks about her therapy appts. I only support her. I know that she has to find it in herself to quit...just like I had to.
Now, I haven't heard from her since last week. We spoke every day!!! And in thinking about it, it was generally me who did all of the calling of late.
I fully understand that I have something she wants...sobriety. But, I miss her so much. It pains me to think that our relationship was solely built on our drinking. It takes years to build a relationship like we had. I thought it was real. Her family spends Thanksgivings and Christmases with our family for goodness sakes! We even talked about me and Mr. Soberat53 becoming her child with special needs legal guardian should anything happen to her and her husband. Now, that is closeness!!!
I know she lost her drinking buddy...but I thought we had so much more! Mr. Soberat53 also lost his drinking buddy...but I guess since he lives with me, he still has to talk to me!
I guess I just have to let her find her way? Can I really be reduced to a small role in her life? I am so sad. I wish I could call her during the day, when she is not drinking...but she has a huge job, that she loves and is brilliant at, and cannot be reached while she is at work.
I am thinking that this relationship is one of the consequences of me not drinking. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around it though. I just thought it was so much more!!
I miss my friend!!!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 115
Hello!
Well, it seems like I've been totally blown off by one of my best friends. My friend M. was my drinking buddy. Besides Mr. Soberat53, she is the ONLY person in the world who knew how much I drank. She drank just like me. For years, we were drinking buddies, via phone..every night We told each other our darkest secrets while we were drinking (of course we would...alcohol enables loose lips!). Through our drinking, we also became very close outside of our drinking. We shared a lot of the same interests. We are both intense exercisers. We both have children with special needs. We both LOVED our wine! We really spent hours on the phone late into the night when our husbands and kids were asleep. It was like we were having a party over the phone. And we live close so sometimes she would sneak over here after work for some wine before she went home.
We have tried quitting together a gazillion times. Tried supporting each other through it. Even went to an AA meeting together. Of course we never made it. Years of this drinking and talking about quitting went on.
Then something happened...I quit. She didn't.
In the beginning, she was very proud of me. I gave her inspiration. She kept telling me I was her hero. I kept telling her to be her own hero.
She told me that she was jealous that I quit. She wants to so badly, but it just isn't happening for her.
She does go to a therapist that specializes in alcohol addiction. I mentioned in a previous post that she is working on why she drinks, so that in figuring that out and ultimately getting rid of those issues, she won't want to drink because there will be no reason to. A different approach.
She told me that she didn't want to call me anymore because she didn't want to trigger me. I told her that nobody could make me drink except for me. So, she kept calling...and yes, she was drunk,
I let her know, in no uncertain terms, how much I love and need her and I couldn't get through this without her. Only she could understand. She kept calling...and yes, she was drunk.
I do not judge her at all. I have walked in her shoes. Nor do I try to get her to quit. I listen when she talks about wanting to quit. I listen when she talks about her therapy appts. I only support her. I know that she has to find it in herself to quit...just like I had to.
Now, I haven't heard from her since last week. We spoke every day!!! And in thinking about it, it was generally me who did all of the calling of late.
I fully understand that I have something she wants...sobriety. But, I miss her so much. It pains me to think that our relationship was solely built on our drinking. It takes years to build a relationship like we had. I thought it was real. Her family spends Thanksgivings and Christmases with our family for goodness sakes! We even talked about me and Mr. Soberat53 becoming her child with special needs legal guardian should anything happen to her and her husband. Now, that is closeness!!!
I know she lost her drinking buddy...but I thought we had so much more! Mr. Soberat53 also lost his drinking buddy...but I guess since he lives with me, he still has to talk to me!
I guess I just have to let her find her way? Can I really be reduced to a small role in her life? I am so sad. I wish I could call her during the day, when she is not drinking...but she has a huge job, that she loves and is brilliant at, and cannot be reached while she is at work.
I am thinking that this relationship is one of the consequences of me not drinking. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around it though. I just thought it was so much more!!
I miss my friend!!!
Love,
Sober at 53
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